Trials, tribulations, and triumph

It's been quite awhile since I wrote on here.  I ran out of steam and didn't want to bore anyone with daily check-ins.  I promised myself, I'd write a new blog when I had a personal goal to share.  This week the scale read under 200 for the first time in 18 months.  I'm at 197.0 lbs.  It's been slow to come off, but that doesn't really matter.  I fell into a fitness slump for a few months.  I just couldn't motivate myself to get out of bed at 5 a.m. to workout.  I'm doing better fitting in fitness now that school is out.  And if I don't workout at 5 a.m., it's near impossible for me to fit in a workout or a dedicated walk after work.  I'm in non-stop mode from my roles as mother, prep-cook, teacher, taxi-driver, tutor, wife, homework helper, cheerleader, and storyteller from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m. 5 days a week.  Come 9 p.m. my body shuts down and I'm wiped out.  So if I'm going to fit in any type of workout during the school year, it has to be at 5 a.m.  My weight from March 29 to June 14 only decreased by 4.5 lbs.  By most standards, that isn't anything to really celebrate.  And, while I was disappointed at the time, I look back at the past 3 months and I'm absolutely amazed by everything I've been through and not once did I turn to sugar.  I have remained completely sugar free for 7 whole months now.  That is amazing!  Sugar is my drug of choice.  For 22 years I turned to food for comfort.  I used food to calm my nerves when anxious, to quiet my anger, to reward victories, to celebrate happiness, to sooth my aching heart, and every other emotion that came my way.  I prided myself for years for never turning to drugs, alcohol or tobacco.  I'm repeating myself from previous posts, but sugar is absolutely my crutch.  My go to when life starts to get tough.

To say the past 7 months has been easy, would be a joke.  There have been very stressful times over the past 7 months.  Times that easily would have been dealt with in the past by a package of Oreos, a bag of M&M's, a carton of Ben and Jerry's, a bag of Hershey minis, a pound of Tootsie Rolls.  To say that I didn't want to run to the store and buy my fix, would be a lie.  But not once did I do it.  My mind wrestled with the stresses and the old habits of turning to food by waking me up in a cold sweat from nightmares.  Nightmares that consisted of chocolate that subconsciously would be consumed.  My latest one was while I was in Massachusetts on holiday.  In my dream I was making trail mix and I unknowingly popped two M&M's in my mouth.  In my dream I could taste the chocolate and feel the crunch of the candy coating.  I immediately went into a panic attack and started to slap the chocolate out of my mouth.  I woke up sweating and a bit upset.  My face hurt too because I literally was slapping my mouth in my sleep.  LOL.  In reality, I'm not paranoid about eating chocolate.  I'm not afraid that I'll let something slip by.  I read labels for sugar content.  I make good conscious decisions.  In my dreams, the chocolate or cookies always slip by.  In my dreams, I turn to my drug of choice to cope with my emotions.  It's always a subconscious action that gets the sugar past my lips.  I wonder if other people who struggle with any type of addiction and who are in recovery experience nightmares about their drug of choice whether it's food, alcohol, tobacco, or drugs.

So I see the past 7 months as an enormous victory.  I feel like I can beat this disease of the mind.  But I also know that I can never, ever have just one bite.  I have to face the stresses from day to day head on.  I can't and won't turn to food to escape the fears, anxiety, anger, sadness, or celebrate the pure joys and elation's or achievements.  I pray each and every morning that I don't relapse.  Some people might find my view on this completely out there because we don't really take food addiction seriously.  But for me, my success so far is due to the fact that I finally see sugar for what it is to me, and me alone.  It is my fix.  And because I see it for what it is, I'm more confident than ever that I will beat this addiction.  I will live a healthy and long life filled with a healthy relationship with the foods that are good for all of us.  Fresh fruits and veggies, nuts, berries, quinoa, buckwheat, seafood, meat, poultry and eggs (beaters in my case) - as much organic and grass-fed as possible.  Almond milk.  Water, lots and lots of water.   Limited dairy (only in the form of cheese - used sparingly, and Greek yogurt (once or twice a week).  All of these eaten when the body says it's hungry, not because of emotions.  So, for those of you who have been wondering, I'm still going strong.  If you need any help, feel free to call, text or message me.  I'll be more than happy to talk.  Goodness knows I can talk forever about this journey.