Celebrating family birthdays and the hidden sugar problem

There are so many things that I want to share today.  It might skip around a bit, but just stay with me. 

13 years ago today I became a mom.  Our son was born on my husband’s 30^th birthday.  It was a spectacular present for Joe, but we cut it really close.  With 13 minutes to spare on the 26^th of February, I popped out the cutest, squishiest, most inquisitive boy in the world.  I know I’m totally partial, but all parents are.  I would have felt like a failure if I didn’t get the bugger out on Joe’s birthday.  So, in planning for today, I made some conscious decisions.   I went to the market last night to find a dessert for the boys.  I can’t tell you why I felt the need to buy them a real dessert.  I really don’t know why.  Do I feel like I’m depriving them of things?  Do I feel guilty because they only have healthy choices at home.  Do I feel like they deserve a food reward for doing so well over the past 5 weeks?  I can’t answer these questions.  But, what I do know is, I felt a bit ashamed for buying it.  I felt like a hypocrite.  There was definitely the good girl on one shoulder whispering in my ear “Buy some fresh fruit and Cool Whip, they will be happy with that.”  Then there was the naughty girl on the other shoulder whispering, “They deserve it.  Come on, it’s their birthday.  They have to have cake on their birthday.  How can you celebrate their birthday without cake?”  In the end, I bought the cake.  It was a single layer 7 inch round chocolate and peanut butter creation.  I did not plan on eating it myself, and for the record, I did not eat it.  But, Joe and the kids each had a piece.  Ben was excited and happy.  Joe thought we were going to have a fruit bowl.  However, he still enjoyed his slice.  The girls were very happy to have some cake too.  We left the remaining cake at the restaurant, so it didn’t come home.  I must sound like a nut.  I don’t want to deprive my kids or my husband, but at the same time, I feel just as guilty about giving them a food that may as well be a bottle of arsenic.  There is not one redeeming quality about desserts and I feel bad if I serve it to my family because it’s just that bad for you.  I’m not losing sleep over it.  It’s all fine and good, but I just wanted to share my struggle.  (The kids enjoyed their pieces, but they all agreed it was too sweet.  Joe didn’t even finish his piece; he said it was way too sweet for him.)

We celebrated their birthdays at our favorite Thai restaurant.  My kids love Pad Thai and since it’s made with rice noodles, it can be fully gluten free if you ask them to make it without the soy sauce.  It’s a safe food if you are gluten sensitive.  Joe and I split a plate of beef Pad Thai, and I ordered it gluten-free and egg-free.  The servings are enormous and 1 plate for the two of us is more than plenty.  The girls split a GF shrimp Pad Thai and Bennett got his own order of GF shrimp Pad Thai.  We enjoyed our dinner and I brought the leftover cake up to the owner.  I told him we didn’t want to take it home.  He said he had been eyeing it since we sat down J.  Too funny!  Anyhow, I told him we had gone sugar free, gluten free about 6 weeks ago.  I told him we knew Pad Thai would be perfect because it is GF.  But, then I asked him about the flavoring.  He said the main ingredients are tamarind and sugar L.  I knew it was too good to be true.  This explains why I have a pain in my right side.  I feel like someone punched me on the side of my stomach, below my ribs.  It’s painful to bend over or move much.   And it hurts to take a deep breath in.  It’s 3 hours after we ate and this pain came on about 2 hours ago and has grown steadily worse.  This is another one of those inflammation symptoms caused by sugar that I had a lot before going SF.  It’s back with a vengeance tonight. 

On an entirely different note, I have some statistics to share.  When I decided to start the family on this GF, SF, DF plan, I explained to the kids that it was all about health.  It was about making our bodies feel better and making our brains happier.  It had nothing to do with a number on a scale.  My girls use to weigh themselves frequently.  I told them we would only weigh them once a month.  I weighed them the first time on this plan on February 4^th in the morning when they got up.  I recorded their weight.  We had a snow day today and it was my weigh-in day.  I weigh myself weekly on Thursdays.  Maggie saw me pull out the scale and asked if she could be weighed today.  It’s close enough to the end of the month, so I told her to get on.  This kid lost 8 pounds in 3 weeks!  Molly weighed herself and she lost 9 pounds in 3 weeks!  I was shocked, but at the same time not that surprised.  They are eating like champs.  They LOVE picking out their own fruits and veggies.  They LOVE eating fresh fish, nuts, eggs, chicken, turkey, venison and beef.  They LOVE making new recipes.  But, as hard as I try to focus on the health benefits of eating this way, Maggie said, “I can’t wait to buy all those cute little clothes.  I don’t ever fit in the cute little clothes and now I can.”  This is the girl who is obsessed with shoes and dresses and all things girly girly.  I don’t know where she came from.  Poor kid has the least fashion-sensed mom in the world. 

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7 a.m. wake-up.  Weigh-in day.  Today’s weight is 214.8!  For a total of 13.8 lbs in 6 weeks.

9 a.m. breakfast:  ½ cup egg beaters, 1 slice cheese, 1 tbsp salsa, 1 cup almond milk, 1 orange

9:30 a.m.:  workout:  30 minutes of Total Body by 21 Day Fix

11:30:  snack:  1 serving veggie sticks

1:30 lunch:  salad, ¾ cup chicken, ¼ cup raisins, 1 tbsp sunflower seeds, 1 cup quinoa

6:30 dinner:  ½ plate of beef Pad Thai.  I’m thinking it was no more than 2 cups that I ate.  

HOLY Mackerel !!!!!! I can't believe I experienced this today and it's only been 6 weeks!!!!

So I got a message from an old high school friend of mine yesterday.  She responded to my blog and she read the article that I had put a link to.  The article talks about the dangers of sugar and how it is an addiction.  I’ve already shared on my blog about the symptoms I had from sugar addiction.  Everything from mood swings to irritability to inflammation.  But, I left something out and it wasn’t until I read Nicole’s comment that I remembered another issue that I suffered from. 

Last January I started experiencing pain every time I swallowed.  This wasn’t something that was new.  I had issues in the past, but it came and went.  But, each time it lasted about 2 months.  It probably started about 5 or 6 years ago and it occurred maybe 3 or 4 times.  The pain was horrendous.  It didn’t matter how soft the food was, everything except liquids would cause a painful muscle spasm at the end of my esophagus when the food passed through and entered my stomach.  It was super scary because I honestly thought I’d choke to death.  I feared the muscle would just stop letting food pass and the food would stay lodged.  It was incredibly painful.  Last February I went for an endoscopy and the doctor said I had a hiatal hernia, but that it wouldn’t cause the pain I was experiencing.  He sent me on my way with some medicine.  It was a heavy duty Prilosec.  I stopped taking it because of some nasty side effects.  The pain eventually subsided on it’s own.  I had another bout of it a few months ago, but it didn’t get as severe and just went away without progressing to the point where I needed to go back to the doctors.  It lasted about 2 weeks.  Since the doctor didn’t really have a good explanation of what it was or what caused the issue in the first place, I just assumed it was some bizarre muscle spasm. 

Well, check out what my friend Nicole wrote last night:

‪Nicole Rakoski-Calvin ‪Tiffany Moyer, I agree that sugar is so addicting! I was wondering why my body was craving pure sugar for about 4-5 months last year. it finally ended up that I was having a hard time swallowing any food. I was literally gagging and having food caught in my esophagus. it turned out that I had a huge overgrowth of yeast in my entire digestive track, to the point that it narrowed my throat. once I started on a nystatin mouth wash that I drank, my cravings for sugar began to slow down. sugar is dangerous.

I couldn’t believe it when I read this.  It shocked me!  I wonder if this is what caused my swallowing problems all along.  I never put it together, but it could very well be one of my other symptoms of sugar addiction.  I do know that whenever the issue started happening, I was not eating healthy.  Now, I have no idea if infact my swallowing issues were caused by the same issue as Nicole, but I find it fascinating that sugar was the root of her issue. 

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On a totally different note, something huge happened at work today.  I was writing on the board and my pants were uncomfortable.  I was irritated with them because they stretched out so much during the day, they felt like they were going to fall off.  Now, this may not sound huge to other folks, but I just about fell over when I realized what this meant.  These pants are one of the 4 pairs that I had left that I could squeeze my butt into 6 weeks ago.  When I put them on in the morning my body literally stretched them to their maximum potential.  Normally pants loosen up as you wear them throughout the day.  6 weeks ago, my pants never loosened up.  When I would get home from work, I couldn’t wait to rip them off so I could wear my oh’ so comfortable yoga pants.  I have a secret love affair with yoga pants.  If you ever drop by unannounced, you’ll find me in my bleached stained yoga pants and a super soft, ugly as hell, red and white striped, super warm, Goodwill special pull-over.  I look like Where’s Wanda, Where’s Waldo’s sister.  When I’d rip off my workpants I’d have red marks around my stomach from the waistband pressing so hard into my gut.  Well, today these pants were practically falling off.  I probably have 2 full inches of loose fabric on the waist and they were completely loose throughout the thighs and hips.  They probably looked quite terrible, but for the opposite reason.  They no longer show my cellulite pock marks, instead they look ridiculous because they are 2 sizes too big.  Now, I’m not saying I want to wear pants that hug my butt and thighs, but these were a bit too loose.  I cannot wait to weigh myself in the morning.  I have a feeling good things are going to come!

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5 a.m.  Les Mills Pump (I feel soooooo much better when I get up early and work out.  I have a huge amount of energy throughout the day and I feel happy)

7 a.m.  Breakfast:  ½ cup egg beaters, ¾ oz. of Cooper cheese, 1 tbsp salsa, 1 cup u/s almond milk

11 a.m.  Snack:  ½ grapefruit

1 p.m.  Snack / lunch:  I was supposed to eat lunch, but I was caught up with getting ready for my afternoon class.  I grabbed my lunch and ate the other snacks.  I ate 1 cup of carrots, 1 serving of guacamole, and an apple.

4 p.m.  Late lunch:  I ate my salad while I was driving the kids to the library.  I used my fingers and it didn’t have salad dressing on it.  I ate:  ¾ cup chicken, 2 cups salad,

6 pm.  Dinner:  We had our Wednesday night church dinner tonight.  I brought my own salad again and surprise, surprise it was grilled chicken over salad greens J  but, for this one I added ¼ cup raisins and 2 tbsp sunflower seeds. 

I left church to do some errands.  Bennett and Joe’s birthdays are tomorrow and I wanted to pick up some surprises for Ben.  Joe already got his birthday present / anniversary present over the weekend.  When I got home I was a tad bit hungry and ate a serving of popcorn.  I don’t remember the brand, I think it’s called Skinny Pop or something of the sort.  I can’t wait for tomorrow’s weigh-in J  

Additional proof to what sugar does to you....it is most definitely a drug!

My cousin, the one who has the genetic marker for Celiac Disease and who subsequently is gluten-free,  sent me an article about sugar addiction.  Here is the  link.  It's an excellent article and provides proof to what I already found out on my own in regards to sugar addiction.  It's a must read.  Sugar came up in a conversation today with a coworker.  She was training me on the Smart Board (which is wicked freaking awesome!) and it was about 11 a.m.  I was getting hungry so I started snacking on my carrots. I offered her some and she politely declined.  Then she started talking about a friend of hers who is eating clean and is trying to get her to eat clean as well.  She said her friend gave up sugar, but she says she could never live without it.  I told her I had done the same and I feel better now in the last 6 weeks than I have in years.  I'm like a new person.  I no longer have the aches and pains, the mood swings, the cravings, the fog brain.  It's amazing.  I truly have no desire to eat again, even if it looks good.  I was at a training this afternoon and as a reward they were passing out chocolate minis.  I declined them, of course.  But, I have to admit, I was a little wistful.  However, it doesn't last long at all because the benefits I feel physically and emotionally outweigh any amount of direct craving.

****************Here's a recap of today's meals and activities******************

5 a.m. woke up from a terrible night sleep.  I had nightmares all night long and tossed and turned.  I couldn't shake them.  I had a lot of stress yesterday and it wrecks havoc on my brain.  I stayed in bed for 40 minutes checking my phone for a delayed opening.  Pathetic, I know.  To my dismay there was no delayed opening, so I missed my workout.  I promised myself I'd workout out this afternoon since Maggie couldn't go to swim practice because of her ear infection.

7 a.m.  Breakfast:  1/2 cup egg beaters, 3/4 oz. of Cooper cheese - which was one slice (wicked good cheese - I'm allowing myself just a tad bit of dairy in the form of cheese, but no other dairy), 1 tbsp salsa, 1 cup unsweetened almond milk

8 a.m.  Bought a large black tea at DD for the day

11 a.m.  Snack:  1 cup baby carrots

12:15 p.m.  Lunch:  2 cups salad, 3/4 cup chicken breast, 1/4 cup raisins in the salad, 2 tbsp dried sunflower seeds, 1 cup mixed berries (blackberries, blueberries, strawberries)

5:00 p.m.  Snack:  unsalted almonds.  I don't know how many I ate.  They came in a container of mixed nuts and dried fruit.  Sugar was the 2nd ingredient on the container because of all the dried fruit.  I tried a banana chip and was turned off by the overload of sweetness.  My taste buds are definitely changing! Amen!  But, I did pick out the almonds and only a couple of cashews.  I didn't have a measuring cup in my classroom, but I should for the sake of when I'm there late.  

8:45 pm.  Dinner:  3/4 cup chicken, 3/4 cup cooked quinoa, 1 cup green beans and broccoli.  I ate super late because I stayed at work to work on some Smart Board activities and lesson plans.  I have to admit that in the past, when I've stayed late, I would grab fast food on my way home.  I'd scoff it down and conveniently put the back in the garage trash can when I'd get home.  Then, I'd feel ashamed when Joe would say he left my dinner plate in the microwave for me to reheat.  I'd eat a second dinner just so I didn't have to tell him I ate fast food too.  How screwed up is that?!  Am I the only person that ever does that or did that?  

No workout today :(.  I really did not intend on staying so late at work.  I was prepared to go grocery shopping this afternoon and get my workout in, but I got totally excited about the Smart Board and couldn't wait to get started on creating work.  I can't wait for school tomorrow, so I can teach my students using the board.  I'm a nerd and I'm proud of it.  I WILL get up at 5 a.m. in the morning to workout without any excuses tomorrow even though it's 10:15 pm. right now and about an hour past my bedtime.  Wish me luck that I stick to my plan in them morning.  xoxo

A recap of Monday and Sunday......the problem with not weighing or measuring your food.

The past two days have been a bit hectic.  I was busy last night getting dinner cooked and then prepping lunches.  Plus there was laundry to fold and kids to play with.  That’s the story of my life J and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I ate well both days.  I made meatloaf last night.  I probably should have weighed my serving.  I probably ate 8 oz. of it.  It was really good though.  Hence, this is another one of my food issues.  I tend to over eat, not because I’m hungry, but because the food is really tasty.  The same thing happened tonight.  I made a leg of lamb in the crockpot and it was ridiculously delicious.  Again, I over ate.  I really need to stick to weighing and measuring and paying attention to serving sizes.  I do much better when I’m not eating on a hungry stomach.  Both yesterday and today I was starving.  Yesterday’s excuse was because we were out all afternoon shopping.  I packed up all snacks for the trip.  We had bananas, apples, grapes, snap pea snacks, and almonds.  We ate breakfast around 8:30.  Ate the snacks around noonish and ate the last of them around 3.  I didn’t want to go out for lunch, so we just snacked on what I brought.  By the time we got home around 5, I was a bit ravenous, as were the rest of the gang.  We snacked on rotisserie chicken before the meatloaf was done.  As for today, I didn’t get to eat my lunch.  I only have one planning period and it was shorter than normal because we had a 1 hour delay.  I was busy prepping for my afternoon group.  I ended eating my salad at 3 p.m.  I really can’t do that again.  By the time I got home from tutoring at 6:45 p.m. I was about to eat the entire leg of lamb myself.  Turned out I wasn’t as hungry as I thought because I didn’t finish my lamb or my veggies or my salad.  I ate a lot of it, but I have leftovers for lunch.  The real question is:  how much meat did I really eat?  Tomorrow night we are having chicken so I’ll make sure I measure it out.  That’s the plan.  I know people don’t always like to measure out their portions, but it’s really the only way if we know we are either overeating or cheating ourselves out of calories we should be taking in. 

I still haven’t finished reading the Blood Sugar Solution.  I’ve read a lot about the actual meal planning itself, but not enough to know what exactly Dr. Hyman is proposing.  But, what I do know is this.  The day Aunt Flo comes to visit is torturous.  The day after isn’t much better.  I felt like poo on Sunday too, just in a different way. 

The third day I have a boat load of energy.  So, all is good. 

I’m hoping tomorrow’s dinner will be better in terms of measuring.  I feel like that’s where I fall apart at night.  I do fine all day, but come dinner time, I’m a wreck.  I need to break that habit.  That is definitely one that is engrained in the sugar addict brain of mine.   

A look back at yesterday. What could have been a terrible day if there was chocolate in the house.

Yesterday was a struggle, but fortunately we were snowed in.  There is no junk food to be had in the house.  If there was, I may have lost my will power.  This is TMI, but Aunt Flo came to visit with her bags stuffed packed with swelling, cramps, thigh pains, and fatigue.  I easily could have eaten who knows how much chocolate.  I’m super relieved it happened on a weekend considering my classroom is chalk full of candy, sweets, and Oreos.  It could have been disastrous. 

I was supposed to do Body Pump yesterday, but I just wasn’t feeling it.  I would have walked on a treadmill, if we had one.  We are looking into buying one in the next few months.  We want to finish our basement, but that’s going to be forever before that project gets done.  We’ve some pre-construction stuff that needs to get done first, such as a radon system and a 100 amp service panel.  Our dumbass contractor put in a 200 amp service that is completely overloaded.  He should have put in a second panel in the first place.  I digress, again.  So, when we do buy a treadmill I want to put it in the family room.  We don’t entertain much here in Virginia, so it’s not that big of a deal.  Besides, even if we did, I’m pretty sure no one would care in the first place.  Joe hates the idea, although he says he doesn’t know where he wants to put one.  I think it’s a great idea to put it in the living room because I could be doing my Beachbody workouts while he is on the treadmill.  Besides, he’ll get sick of looking at it in there, so the basement will get started sooner than later J.

I made gluten free pancakes yesterday morning.  I used a GF flour that seemed a little off.  They sort of smelled weird.  I’ll try a different flour next time.  It called for honey as the sweetener which was better than using table sugar or Splenda in my opinion.  We don’t have sugar anymore in the house, but we still have Splenda.  I know it’s all natural and stuff, but I don’t care that much for it.  I also substituted the vegetable oil with cranberry juice.  I had a bottle in the liquor cabinet.  We drizzled honey on top with fresh fruit.  The kids liked them, but Joe thought they tasted weird.  Like I said, I’ll try a different brand of GF next time. 

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8 a.m. breakfast:  pancakes with a bit of honey, 1 cup of my u/s vanilla almond milk,  

                                  fresh pineapple chunks.

12:30 p.m. lunch:  homemade vegetable soup, tortilla chips (Food That Tastes Good

                                   brand) ------ I definitely overate on the chips.  I usually measure

                                   out servings for the sake of cost.  We don’t go through as much

                                   food if we measure it out.  It’s also good so you don’t overeat.  I

                                   wasn’t feeling it yesterday with the PMS and some family drama. 

                                   Funny how stress can attempt to throw me off my plan.  Aha, that

                                   was another cause for my discontent yesterday. 

4:30 p.m. snack:  orange

6:30 p.m.  dinner:  2 skinless chicken thighs baked, seasoned with balsamic vinegar. 

                                    I used a recipe from FB yesterday.  It wasn’t great, the chicken 

                                   was missing something.  1 spinach patty, steamed carrots, quinoa

                                   and kale, and a garden salad with my GF, SF, 0 calorie dressing

                                   from Walden Farms. 

9:30 snack:  I had no hunger, but I grabbed a handful of almonds when I went

                       upstairs to read.  I was still crabby from the day.  Food is definitely my  

                       go-to comforter.  I really need to find something to replace that 

                       automatic response when I’m upset.  This is definitely something that is

                       totally engrained in my head. 

I read the Blood Sugar Solution for an hour last night and marked a few things to share on this blog.  I’ll share what I learned in a different post later on.  

Today's food diary and a tasty temptation

I had a great day in terms of food.  I didn’t workout this morning, but plan on working out tomorrow.  During Lent we traditionally eat fish on Fridays.  I picked up some salmon and made a homemade seasoning to blacken the fish.  It came out super yummy.  But, I have to say I am not a fan of skinning fish.  That is one cooking job I definitely will pass on to Joe.  I can skin chicken no problem.  But, fish, I wanted to gag; it was wicked gross.   I was stoked at how quick this meal came together since we had basketball games tonight starting at 5:45.  From start to finish I made the entire meal and we finished eating it in 35 minutes.   Here is the rest of what I ate today:

8 a.m. breakfast:  1 serving Rice Chex, 1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk, handful of strawberries cut up.

12:00 snack:  1 cup grapes

12:30 lunch:  ¾ cup tuna salad, 1 serving GF crackers, apple

3:00 snack:  carrots

5:15 dinner:  blacken salmon, spinach patty, steamed veggies

****  I did see this picture on Facebook today that made me miss a treat.  It was the Reese’s Tasty Cakes.  Good grief, those suckers were divine.  I didn’t have them very often.  I had other desserts that I enjoyed more, but when I saw that picture today, it made me reminiscent of that chocolatey peanut butter goodness.  As good as it looks though, I won’t give this feeling of wellness and pain-free for that.  ****

My goals and my definition of health and happiness

An article came out a few days ago on a blog and it’s getting huge attention.  A facebook friend posted about it yesterday.  It’s getting attention because the woman, Joni Edelman, says that, “Being thin didn’t make me happy, but being fat does.”  Here is the article for you to read:  http://www.ravishly.com/2015/02/10/being-thin-didnt-make-me-happy-being-fat-does

I read the article and watched the news clip and totally get what she is saying.  She states that her “physical hotness” days were filled with hours a day spent on workouts, documenting every single calorie she consumed, starving herself to stay on the 1000 calorie diet she was on.  She had exercise bulimia.  She’d eat a cookie, but then would run 2 miles to burn it off.  She deprived herself sleep and was functioning on 3 hours of sleep per day.  She was hit on at grocery stores and by doctors at the hospital she worked at.  From the outside she was the perfect picture of health and beauty.  What she wasn’t, was happy.  5 years after she was at the lowest she had been since the age of 15, which was a size 4, she gained what looks to be a hundred pounds at my best guess.  She states she is happy now.  She states there is now a stillness, a joy, and a peacefulness now since there has been an adjustment on her bipolar medication and she is another 10 pounds heavier. 

I totally agree with her.  Living like that must have been hell.  Who would want to live like that?  And, for what purpose?  For the clothing?  For the cat calls or the stares?  For the false definition of beauty that the American public has been brainwashed by Hollywood and the media to think that thinness = beauty and happiness? 

Joni, I’m happy that you are happy.  I’m happy that you found your inner peace.  I hope you have found the healthy balance between being happy and being healthy.  Maybe you are at that healthy balance where your body doesn’t suffer from headaches, muscle pain, joint pain, shortness of breath, heartburn, brain fog, constipation, or diarrhea.  In my opinion healthy isn’t defined by a size 4 pant, nor is it defined as a size 24.  Healthy is the weight that doesn’t put your internal organs under distress.  Healthy doesn’t cause the aches and pains I listed above, nor does it cause obsessions to workout for hours on end and count every calorie.  Healthy is your body at it’s comfortable weight.  We each have our own comfortable weight.  I believe it varies from person to person.   My 5’ 6” comfortable weight could be 40 pounds heavier than my friend’s 5’6” comfortable weight.  I think people need to find the happy and healthy balance for what works for their body.  I think looking at your personal health risks to obesity related diseases such as high blood pressure, high LDL (bad) cholesterol, and high blood sugar are important for individuals to pay attention to.  I also think looking at how much abdominal fat you carry is important, not because of some ridiculous beauty standard, but because it effects the functioning of your vital internal organs.  I think these are the factors people should really look at when trying to figure out what your healthy comfortable weight should be.  It should never be determined by fitting into a certain size at any given store. 

I am on my own personal journey to end years of yo-yo dieting.  When I was younger, in my twenties, my motivation to lose weight was to fit into that “beauty” mold.  I was certainly brainwashed to think that being thin = beauty and that being thin = happiness.  But, it never worked for me.  I could never maintain my “thinness” and I fluctuated greatly for years.  But, my motivation to lose weight after having my first child 13 years ago shifted.  At the age of 28 my motivation changed for the sake of my child.  I wanted to be healthy for the sake of him.  I wanted to have energy to run and play.  I wanted to be disease free from diabetes and all of the other scary life-threatening diseases that are directly associated with being obese.  I wanted to live a long healthy life for the sake of my children.  I now have three kids.  My motivation is still this.  I want to lose the weight so that I am here to see my great grandchildren some day.  I want to live the adventurous life my grandparents live to this day.  I want to be surrounded by my children, their spouses, their children, and their children when I blow out my candles on my 100^th birthday.  That is my why.  That is my motivation to lose this excess body fat.  I want to feel better.  I don’t want to suffer from debilitating back pain, hip pain, muscle pain.  I don’t want to suffer from heartburn, or frequent headaches, or chronic fatigue.  I don’t want to suffer from drastic mood swings where I’m sweet to one person and a cranky witch to my children.  I, too, want to be happy.  These are the things that will make me happy. 

The way I’m feeling now, I feel happy, excited and beautiful and I weigh 218 pounds.  I, too, am happy and fat.  But, I am not healthy.  My weight issues come from sugar addiction / carb addiction.  I finally discovered what the root of my problems was all these years.  Now, that I have figured it out, the weight is coming off.  My body feels so much better and I’m only 10 pounds lighter.  But, I know I’m not at my healthy self.  I have a long way to go.  But, I’m on the right path.  I will continue to do what I’m doing because my body wants to feel good.  My body and mind like to workout.  I get a huge boost of energy when I workout at 5 a.m. in the morning.  I do it because it makes me feel good.  I will continue to eat clean foods that are free of sugar and gluten because eating like this makes my body feel good.  I can’t tell what my weight loss goals are by a number on a scale.  My weight loss goal is to find that healthy balance.  I’ll know I have found it when my body feels good and I have no fatigue.  I’ll know it when I feel it.  It might be 30 lbs from now, it might be 70 lbs from now.  I don’t know, but I do know that my body will tell me when it’s found it’s happy place. 

As for beauty, I think I’m beautiful.  But, we live in a society that says that if a person says that, they are conceited and full of themselves.  So, call it what it is.  I do think I’m beautiful.  I thought I was beautiful when I was 125 lbs in high school and I thought I was beautiful at 240 lbs.  I’ve never let my weight dictate what I do, where I go, or what I wear.  I wear what is comfortable.  I don’t wear much make-up because I think I look just fine without it on.  Many woman I know don’t wear it at all because they too look beautiful without any on.  Many woman I know wear make-up because they feel more beautiful with it on.  I think they are all beautiful just the way they present themselves to the world because they are all good, kind, lovely ladies.  Sadly, too many women are caught up with the false definition of beauty that is advertised in the movies and the media.  They stop themselves from doing things like going to the beach with friends or with their kids because they feel fat.  They stop themselves from experiencing life because they are ashamed of themselves.  Ladies, you are beautiful.  Discover your healthy balance.  Stop fighting with the fictional beauty judge and enjoy your life, but strive for health.  If your body hurts, try to discover what is causing you pain.  Food is medicine.  You can heal your body through whole, real food.  And, you are beautiful no matter what number is on the back of your pants or what number is on the scale.