Last ditch effort....

I'm a Christian and pray a lot.  My faith in God was nurtured by my Jewish mother and my Episcopalian grandmother at a young age.  I had seen prayer work so many times in my life and in the lives of those around me.  I turned to God when I was on vacation and in such chronic pain.  I honestly thought my calling card was up and God was going to be calling me home at any point because I was in so. much. pain.

 When I was on this vacation of a lifetime (my definition of a once-in-a-life-vacation is time spent alone with my husband no matter where we were or what we were doing) and in chronic pain, I knew the pain I was in had to do with my weight.  But, I was so done with the prospect of failing again, that I gave up on the idea of going on another diet or "lifestyle" change.  I know how to lose weight, that isn't the problem.  What I don't know is how to keep it off.  I know about portion control, eating balanced meals with more protein and vegetables and less carbs.  I know to eat every 2.5 to 3 hours to keep myself from ever getting really hungry.  I know how to count calories and can eyeball the correct portion of nearly any food like Chef Ramsey.  I know to include strength training in my workouts.  (By the way, I LOVE to work out.....when my body feels good)  I've seen success so many times, but never have been able to keep it off.  So I knew I needed to find out what my real issue is.  Something happens to me when I'm seeing success.  What is it?  What makes me begin to pack the weight on again?  Is it some deep, dark childhood trauma that occurred that I don't know about?  Is it my cocky attitude?  Is it a deep psychological personality disorder?  What the heck is it??????

I turned to God and began praying when I was on holiday.  I prayed, "Dear Heavenly Father, please reveal to me what my triggers are.  What happens to me when I am doing so well on a diet, but then give it all up and go back to the old habits.  Lord, please tell me what it is.  I need you.  I'm broken.  My body and mind isn't healthy.  They have given up because I'll only fail again.  I need to know what goes through my mind.  Do I feel like I'm not good enough to be _________ (fill in the blank)?  I know I can't embark on another journey until I can figure this out.  I need you, my children need you, and my family needs you to answer this prayer.  I'm not ready to die.  I want to live the life you have planned out for me.  I want to glorify you and do good works in the world.  I know I am going against your will, by not taking care of my temple.  Please, Lord, tell me what the triggers are so that I am aware of what they are.  Lord, once I know what those are, I think I'll be able to keep the weight off once and for all.  Your will is my will.   Amen."

So, my last ditch effort wasn't joining Weight Watchers or starting yet another new diet in January.  My last ditch effort was turning to God to help me figure out what my freaking problem was.  Check back next time to see if my prayer was answered.