came 4 weeks ago today on Wednesday, January 14th.
My day started off terrible. I was down to only having 4, count
them 4, pairs of pants to wear to work. And two of those pairs were
jeans. Considering I can only wear jeans on Fridays, I was not in a good place.
So, I put on my blue cotton pants and tried on every long sleeve shirt I
owned that fit me. I was in tears because I could no longer ignore or
hide the enormous muffin top that bulged above my pant waist. I'm not
kidding this bulge was bigger than my size C cup boobs. I wanted to
crawl in a hole and die. I don't think I'm a particularly vain person.
My husband says he loves me all natural and doesn't like make-up on me.
I may wear eyeliner and mascara more often than not, but it's hit or miss
if I put on a foundation. My hair is usually pulled back because I am in
desperate need of a dye job. I only go twice a year because I'd rather
spend my money on fun activities with my family than on vanity upkeep.
But, that day, I didn't want to leave the house. I was horrified by
my appearance. I was so totally uncomfortable with what I felt like and
what I looked like.
So, off I go to work in pants that are tighter than
an 18th century corset and a shirt that's showing the world's largest muffin
top. I could barely tie my shoes that morning because my pants were so
freaking tight. Unfortunately, a few co-workers witnessed my anxiety and
disgust over my muffin top. Luckily, I keep a sweater in my classroom, so
I was able to cover it up most of the day.
I got home that night and wracked my brain.
As I was sitting in bed, I began to think about when my weight issues
started. I've already chronicled this in my 22 years post. I saw the pattern for the
first time. Each time I lost weight, I'd begin to "reward"
myself with desserts. I'd justify being able to eat a slice of cake for
dessert on Saturday because I ate really good all week and exercised each day. Heck,
it was only once a week, so why not? I deserved cake (or whatever other
junk food) because I had a great week and I can't deprive myself forever.
Right?! Then it would turn into Friday night pizza night with the family.
Heck, I deserved it because I ate really well all week and I worked out
each day. Then came dessert at church suppers on Wednesday nights.
And, then it just continues to snowball. Each and every time I find
success, I begin to reward myself by adding the junk that got me there in the
first place.
So, I figured it out. It was the high sugar,
high carbohydrate foods that I added back into my diet. I can literally
trace this back to my very first diet back in 1994. We've always been
taught that everything in moderation is the way to go. We've always heard
that you can't keep the weight off if you deprive yourself because you'll be
craving those off limit foods. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as
moderation to me when it comes to carbs and sweets. I'm not kidding.
It's exactly like that old potato chip commercial, "Betcha can't
just have one." It's the truth. Once those foods cross my
lips, I'm done. It's a serious sickness. It's like crack cocaine to
an addict or whiskey to an alcoholic. I'm not exaggerating. My
reintroduction to sweets and carbs was often short lived. I could handle
that one slice of cake, that one cookie, that one slice of pizza, for about 2
to 3 weeks. Then in a blink of an eye, it would be full blown cravings.
I'll write about binge eating in a separate thread down the road.
I put two and two together (with God's guidance)
that these foods, sweets and carbs, are like a drug to me. A typical day
when I'm not eating good looks like this: Breakfast during the week:
a large bowl of cereal such as Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Honey Grahams and
1% milk (in the cereal, plus another cup to drink). By 10 a.m. I'd be
starving and would eat whatever junk food was in my classroom (m&m's,
tootsie rolls, rolls, peanut butter crackers, a muffin, etc...). By 12:30
I'd be ravenous and would run to McDonalds for a value meal. I'd get the
two cheeseburger meal with a medium fry and medium diet coke. My 2 p.m.
I'd barely have any energy and needed another snack. Again I'd dip into
whatever treats I had in my classroom. Tootsie rolls and m&m's are a
huge weakness of mine. Driving home at 3:30 I'd pack a snack cup with
more candy. I'd pick up the kids and we'd have snack again before dinner.
Dinner time ranges anywhere from 6 p.m to 8:30 p.m. depending on what
kids have what activities that evening. Dinner would be easy prepared
meals such as spaghetti with meatballs, burgers and fries, take out pizza,
breakfast meals such as pancakes and/or waffles with sausage or bacon.
Once the kids went to bed, I'd sometimes have a bag of microwave popcorn.
My point in sharing this is that I never went longer than 2.5 to 3 hours
without having a sweet or carbohydrate.
Wednesday, January 14th was the night I realized I was a sugar / carb
addict. I didn't know if such a thing existed, but I was sure that that's
exactly what I was. I thought about the people in my family who have
struggled in the past with addiction or currently still are. My family,
on both sides of my parents, have addictions to various drugs or alcohol. I
know that addiction is genetic and your genes are predisposition to addiction
tendencies if there is a family history. I realized that my drug of
choice was food, particularly sweets and carbs. I never became addicted
to tobacco, alcohol or drugs at any point in my life. I grew up knowing
how bad all those things were for the people I loved most in my life. I
finally saw sugar and carbs for what they were to me, and me alone. They
are my heroin, my crack, my booze. They make me feel good for a short
time and just when I start coming down from that sugar "high", I'd go
searching for me. EACH. AND. EVERY. TIME. Holy Mackerel! I
knew in my heart of hearts that that's what my problem was. I know when
God has spoken to me because there is always this calmness and clarity that
comes over me and reaches into the deepest part of my soul. God answered
my prayers that night. I realized then that I wasn't battling a food issue; I
was battling an addiction, just as real as heroine to a street junky, just as
real as whiskey or beer is to an alcoholic. It sounded a bit far fetched
to me that night, but it felt like the truth. I knew I had to do some
research and find out if sugar addiction / carb addiction was for real.
Little did I realize, I was about to learn a heck of a lot about myself
over the course of the next month.
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